When it comes to fostering peaceful relationships, self-awareness is perhaps the most decisive factor and the willingness to step into the other person’s shoes – to ’empathise’. Relationships – particularly between people from a different background – take work. The ultimate examples of relationships forged with difficult ‘others’ are illustrated by some of the films below…friendships and strong relationships between enemies are possible and truly inspiring. In peace building we are challenged to get to know, understand and accept other people’s points of view and to build bridges with them. Making peace with our enemies is actually harder and more noble than just killing them.
On a very personal level, our relationships are hugely influenced by the totality of our unique experiences of love and connection. And they often mirror the way we feel. When we’ve had a difficult morning, the people we encounter in our day can seem difficult. Yet, when things are flowing and we’re at peace with ourselves, we tend to find others less difficult. When examining our relationships, it’s vital first to consider the power of the self and how our moods, past experiences, and fixed views can impact the way we relate to and interpret others. If you’ve ever found yourself in a fight without a tangible sense of what might have upset or triggered you, you’re not alone. Most of us are simply too stressed, overwhelmed and preoccupied to examine the true birthplace of our feelings. And yet – for too many of us – unhelpful patterns of thought and limiting beliefs keep us from achieving truly authentic, ‘healthy’ connections with others.
As well as accepting ourselves, and owning our vulnerabilities and unhelpful thinking-feeling patterns; it’s important to accept others as they are. This means at least attempting to apply a generosity of interpretation in an effort to avoid conflict. “By the time we’ve humiliated someone, they’re not going to learn anything. The only conditions — as we know with children, under which anyone learns are conditions of incredible sweetness, tenderness and patience. That’s how we learn.” (Alain De Botton). When we practice generosity of interpretation and compassion (for ourselves and others) we create the space and potential for deeper, more authentic (and ultimately more peaceful) relationships.
Exploring peaceful relationships through film
Nelson Mandela on the importance of talking to your enemies in order to be a peacebuilder. Nelson Mandela emerged as a wise and humble leader after many years of imprisonment under the South African Apartheid regime. Instead of leading a fight against his enemies, he put all his efforts into providing a vision of unity and transforming his country for the better.
About the importance of women in peacekeeping. When women lead and participate in peace processes, peace lasts longer. Since United Nations Security Council Resolution 1325, we all acknowledge that outbreaks of conflict correlates to increased violence against women. Achieving gender equality helps prevent conflicts and create lasting peace for all.
With violent extremism on the rise, and trust in governments on the decline, Manal Omar believes that it’s time for the peacebuilding community to change its approach to conflict resolution by inviting women, with their full sexuality intact, to take a seat at the negotiating table, where currently less that 10% of negotiators are women.
Holiness the Dalai Lama speaks about “The Power of Forgiveness” at the University of Limerick, in the Republic of Ireland, on April 14th, 2011. He talks about the importance of compassion, tolerance and religious harmony.
Barry Mizen talks about his son, 16-year-old Jimmy Mizen who was murdered in May 2008 when he and his older brother went into a bakery near their home in Lee, south east London. While inside, Jake – who had been cautioned by police several years earlier for harassing Jake’s older sibling – brushed past the brothers. A scuffle followed resulting in Jake hurling a glass dish at Jimmy and fatally wounding him. Jimmy’s parents, Barry and Margaret Mizen, hit national headlines when immediately after the attack they spoke of compassion rather than revenge.
A powerful example of reconciliation and conflict resolution. Jo Berry and Pat Magee both of ‘Building Bridges’ are interviewed on ConsciousTV. On 12th October 1984 a bomb exploded in the Grand Hotel in Brighton. The majority of the senior figures in the Conservative Party Conference were staying there at the time as it was during the Conservative Party annual conference. Five people were killed including Jo Berry’s father, Sir Anthony Berry, the MP for Southgate. IRA member Pat Magee was convicted of the bombing and sentenced to eight life sentences.
What is forgiveness? This is a talk by Dr. Fred Luskin, who holds a PhD in Counselling and Health Psychology from Stanford University where he served as director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project.
The annual International Day of Peace – 21 September. Open your heart, offer your compassion, give appreciation – a video from HeartMath.
Within The Eye of the Storm
Bassam and Rami, a Palestinian and Israeli, were once dedicated fighters willing to kill and be killed by one another for the sake of their nations. Yet each one of them came face to face with the price of war when their daughters were killed in the conflict. Left with the excruciating pain of bereavement, they chose to do the unexpected. They set out on a joint journey to humanise the very enemy, who had taken the dearest thing from them and prevent the vicious cycle of retaliation in themselves and their societies. Along the way they reveal the friendship and humour that keeps them alive. The film follows their two parallel stories and the moments where they converge, both in their personal experiences and peace work as they face their shattered families, confused communities and opposing society. This is a critical junction in both their lives, as their lives’ missions and personal agendas clash and they stand the biggest test to their friendship.
The journey – 21 years after the first meeting between Jo Berry and Pat Magee
(This was recorded on 24 November 2021)
21 years ago, the inspirational Anne Gallagher, who sadly is no longer with us, hosted an extraordinary meeting at her home near Dublin. Anne had written: ‘To heal the wounds of Northern Ireland, I believe you have to see humanity in the face of the enemy.’ This occasion was to illustrate her words. Sitting down together in her house over a cup of tea were Jo Berry and Pat Magee. Some 16 years previously, Pat had planted the IRA bomb at the Brighton Conservative Party conference that had killed Jo’s father. Jo’s resolve to deeply understand this act had ultimately led to this transformative meeting. In the 21 years since that first meeting, Jo and Pat have worked together promoting peace and reconciliation in a wide range of places and circumstances, sharing a platform over 400 times.